Sparda's in charge?
by OMGLemmingBus
Summary: Eva goes to visit family for a week and Sparda is left in charge. Is the old demon up to keeping his unruly sons in order? Find out! AU. Review please?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own a pencil, a laptop and....that's about it. I don't own any paper, onions....or devil may cry.

Sparda's in charge?

"Pizza for breakfast. Pizza for tea. Pizza for lunch and snack and dinner and dessert. That's fine by me."

Dante was singing. Again. Badly.

Vergil placed his hands over his ears protectively as Sparda sighed and put down his newspaper.

"Dante, stop annoying your brother and I." The demon muttered. Dante paid no heed to his father's warning, instead proceeded to sing even louder. Sparda rolled his eyes and reached over to shove a slice of pizza into his youngest son's mouth, effectively shutting him up.

Vergil resumed reading his book, shooting his father a grateful glance. Sparda merely nodded as Dante started to chew happily.

Where was Eva when you needed her?

Five minutes ago, Eva had left to visit her family in another part of the country. She still didn't trust her husband and children not to do something stupid and reveal that they were demons/half-demons, especially after what had happened last time she took them along. As a result, she had reluctantly agreed that they should stay behind while she went to visit for a week.

It was only for a week, Sparda had reasoned. What could possibly go wrong in that short amount of time? They would be at school for most of the time anyway. Eva had merely closed her eyes in despair but allowed herself to be bundled into a waiting taxi by a suspiciously enthusiastic Dante.

Only five minutes had passed but already the older demon was missing her. Dante had begun to sing about eating pizza for every meal of the day, knowing full-well that Sparda was unable to master the kitchen appliances.

Wielding thousands of different types of weapons? Easy. Learning how to use the oven? Much more difficult.

"Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza!" Dante sang, apparently having finished his slice, and grinned at Vergil who only responded by glaring at him.

"Please, Dante. Will you stop singing? It's getting on my nerves." Sparda rubbed his forehead with one hand. Even demons were susceptible to headaches. "Now. I think I should lay down some ground rules."

The twins looked at their father, puzzled.

"Just because your mother is not going to be here, it doesn't mean that you can get away with anything. Understood? I'm not going to be easy to fool or to get around. I am in charge of this household."

Dante couldn't help it. He really couldn't. He burst out laughing at Sparda's 'serious' expression. Though a demon, their father really had no idea how to instil discipline. A small smirk also played across Vergil's lips as he regarded his father with cool contempt.

Sparda's expression, however, did not change. "I mean it you two. There will be consequences if you so much as put a tow out of line." Dante just continued to laugh at Sparda. Vergil returned his attention back to his book.

Sparda coughed and pulled a list out of his pocket. Eva had told him to make one in the hopes that she wouldn't come back to find the house in complete ruins. "I'm putting these rules up. Read them, obey them and we'll get along fine." An evil smile crossed the old hero's face.

"We're all part demon in this house at the moment. So we're going to do this the demon way." Dante paused in the middle of his hysterics. Vergil also looked up, slightly paler than usually. With that, Sparda turned and marched triumphantly out of the room after sticking the rules to the wall.

Dante glanced at his brother. "Uh, Vergil? What's the demon way?"

Vergil sighed. "It usually involves a lot of pain. And heads smashing through walls." Dante gulped dramatically.

Out in the hallway, Sparda leant against the wall and smiled fondly. 'I remember the first time I crossed by father.'

"_But dad..." A small voice whined. "It was only a small skull."_

"_That's enough! I've had enough of your backtalk!" The giant winged demon yelled before then proceeding to take out a hammer as big as his head. Taking careful aim, he swung brutally at the mini-Sparda, the resulting force of the blow being enough to send Sparda flying through several walls._

"Ah, good times." Sparda smiled.

Meanwhile, in the other room Vergil and Dante had started to read the rules that were posted on the wall.

1) In bed by 8:30 PM

The twins gaped at the notice. 8:30?!? What kind of time was that?

2) Dante: Pizza once a day at the very most. You have to eat at least five portions of fruit/veg a day.

"That's inhuman!" Dante gasped, holding his hands to his heart. There was a pause. "Wait, he's not human, is he?"

3) Vergil: No building weapons of mass destruction. Nuclear or otherwise.

It was Vergil's turn to look stunned. But… Sparda couldn't!

4) Sparda's word is law. You obey me perfectly.

5) Homework is to be completed the same day you get it. No games machines, books or dessert until it is done.

6) You have to eat my cooking.

There was a long silence. Dante and Vergil exchanged horrified looks.

"We have to eat his cooking? Is he trying to kill us?" Dante exclaimed. The twins had only eaten one of Sparda's concoctions once before. Eva had been forced to take them to hospital and answer awkward questions about how they had managed to consume one of the most powerful poisons known to man. And survived.

Vergil merely shook his head and pointed to the rest of the rules.

7) If either of you get detention at school then there will be consequences.

"I'm doomed." Muttered Dante.

8) Clean your rooms every other day and take it in turns to put the rubbish out. Dante first. (Because I said so.)

9) No consorting with worldwide lords of crime on the internet.

"How did he know?" Vergil asked himself. With dread, they looked at the last rule on the list.

10) Obey all the above rules. Failure to comply will result in punishment. The demon form of punishment.

"This is going to be a fun week." Dante sighed. Vergil nodded his head in silent agreement.

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Reviews are much appreciated. ^^ Please and thank you? Like it, love it, hate it? More to follow regardless.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own anything you read here. Even the chocolate cake is on loan from my sister. (A prize to anyone who can guess what pen-name she writes under. She's written in dmc before.)

Vergil's eyes snapped open. He looked around the darkened room. It was midnight and he was starving. He and Dante had point blank refused to eat Sparda's cooking. They had simply dumped it in the bin when their father wasn't looking. As a result, they were both very hungry.

The twins had formed an alliance before being sent off to bed at 8:30. If they were to survive this week, they would have to work as a team. Vergil had been trying to get to get some sleep but he had been disturbed by his twin, turning restlessly in the bed on the other side of the room.

"I'm hungry, Vergil…" Dante whined when his brother lobbed a pillow at him to make him shut up. "My stomach is going to go insane if I don't eat something soon."

Vergil sighed and rolled his eyes at the dark ceiling.

"Please Vergil? Can we, like, raid the fridge or something? You're hungry too right?"

At that moment, Vergil's stomach chose to launch its protest of no food by grumbling loudly. Dante snickered as Vergil threw another pillow.

"Fine." He replied grudgingly. Dante cheered with delight and immediately hopped out of bed. Onto a creaky floorboard.

CRE-AK

Dante froze and Vergil strained his ears to see if Sparda had heard anything. The TV downstairs continued to blare its catchy theme tunes however, so the twins assumed that he had heard nothing.

But Sparda had heard. A smile crossed his face as he got up quietly and headed into the kitchen to set a trap. He had found the remains of his *ahem* wonderful cooking lying in the bottom of the bin and deduced that his sons hadn't eaten any of it. They would probably be very hungry. Dante at least would be suffering.

The fridge was obviously their target.

Sparda grinned. He had bought something especially from the shops in order to bribe his youngest son, but in this instance it would serve well as bait. He picked up the massive chocolate cake and carefully placed the see-through lid over it, making sure that the wires were set in place.

He slid the cake into the fridge and closed the door, smiling happily. They thought that they could outwit him? The great Sparda? Foolish children.

Meanwhile, Dante was creeping dramatically downstairs, back to the wall and placing his feet down carefully, listening for any noise from the front room. Nothing, only the TV. Vergil walked behind him, his movements considerably less theatrical. Dante made a series of complex hand movements, pointing at Vergil, the light fixture, himself and then the front door. Vergil blinked. It was Dante's turn to roll his eyes, before continuing to creep downstairs towards the kitchen.

They spied the fridge, standing innocently at the back of the kitchen. Vergil kept a look out for their father while Dante moved stealthily (as much as Dante can be stealthy) towards it. He cracked the door open slowly, eyes widening as he spotted the next best thing to pizza. A giant chocolate cake, the frosted icing untouched, a knife lying next to it under the transparent lid.

"Woah…" He breathed in awe. "Vergil, look."

Irritably, Vergil walked over. His eyes narrowed suspiciously at the chocolate cake. What was that doing there? Eva hadn't bought it…

Oblivious, Dante reached a greedy hand out for the lid, lifting it a split second before Vergil could warn him not to. Immediately, a giant net swooped down from the ceiling and caught Dante, dragging him back up with it. A loud siren started to go off and Vergil dived under the table.

There was a long moment of deafening noise before the siren was turned off and the kitchen lights switched on. Sparda sauntered in, grinning at his helpless son stuck to the ceiling by the demonically-enhanced net.

"Hello, Dante." Sparda waved cheerfully. "What are you doing up at this time of night? And in the kitchen no less?"

"Now if I was a betting man, I would say that odds are your brother is around here somewhere." He kicked the table leg. "Isn't that right Vergil?"

Reluctantly, Vergil climbed out from under the table and glared at Dante. This was all his fault. He shouldn't have fallen for the bait so easily. Dante just glared down at his father. Sparda gave a huge sigh.

"I'm very disappointed in you two." He murmured. "I'm going to let you off this one. But just this once. I won't be as forgiving next time. Is that understood?"

Vergil inclined his head. "Yes father." He muttered. Dante repeated it and Sparda smiled.

"Right then." He cut through the net with one sweep of his arm and watched as Dante plummeted to the floor. "Back to bed with you then."

Ignoring Dante's howls of pain, he strode back into the front room and sank down in front of the TV. Vergil looked at his brother before shrugging. They headed back upstairs, defeated, but only momentarily. They would have to come up with a plan to get Sparda back for this.

Sparda smiled to himself. Troublesome twins: 0. The most awesome demon ever to live: 1.

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Hey, thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. It was really appreciated. So, review this next one? More to come, when the twins struggle to get even.


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